Hey Internet friends!
I've been absent from the blogosphere from a week or two now, but devoted social media followers will know that I haven't been totally AWOL since I continue to be a Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram whore. I had so many moments when an idea for a blog or something that I wanted to say in a blog would come to me, but for some reason I kept putting it off.
Regardless, I can't deny that this has been a very helpful little outlet for me. And last night I had a totally bizarre dream that I felt kind of like sharing.
Before I start though, I do want to remind everyone that I have a way about being very frank about everything that's transpired here in the last couple of weeks. I'm sure to a lot of you it comes off as too honest, a little brusque or even cold, like I don't care very much or something. If that makes you feel uncomfortable reading this kind of stuff, then by all means click the "back" button. I won't be mad, I promise. But I said it in my last blog and I'll probably continue to say it just for the sake of clarity, I have to be frank. I have to say what I'm thinking, because if I don't get it out, then I just sit with it and feel icky.
Anyway, I had a dream about Mike last night. Now, I'm not going to act like I'm a freaking prophet or Theresa Caputo, but I have had some odd dreams in the past that I'm like 80% sure weren't dreams, but visits from people who have passed away. One of them happened when I was a kid. The other two were separate visits from my Bubi and Zedi. So, I'm not sitting at my kitchen table, making squiggles in a notebook because "Spirit" tells me to, but I totes have been contacted by dead people before. And ever since Mike died, I've been kind of hoping and waiting to see him in a dream. In my head I spend an awful lot of my time hugging my knees and sobbing, "I just want to know that he's okay!" And I thought a dream might help.
So in my dream, we were throwing Mike a goodbye party because, in this bizarre dream universe, we knew that he was going to commit suicide. It was one of those things that in a dream seems totally normal, but in real life you're sitting there going, "...the hell?" Anyway, in the dream, it was sort of like a party you throw for someone who's moving out of state. Like, we were all sad he was going away, but we accepted it. And we had this going away party at a diner and everyone was there. Friends, family, and even people I wouldn't consider friends, but the kind of acquaintances who kind of knew me in high school and then "friended" me after Mike died. Everyone was there.
And the reason I can't help but feel a little bit better about this dream is because Mike, (dream Mike, anyway) was in such good spirits about this "journey" or whatever. He drank with us, he laughed with us, and I even have this really clear image of he and I taking a detour to Target to buy a pair of "suitjamas" like he was Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother. Like, it was funny to us because he was going to kill himself so he wanted to be buried in suitjamas, that way he could be comfy and look fly. But that's totally something Mike would do.
I know. So weird.
Anyway, at some point during the dream festivities, my mom appeared looking very upset to tell us all that Mike had unexpectedly taken his own life in the diner bathroom or something. (I know. Weirder and weirder.) I say unexpected because we were all very shocked and saddened by this development, like we knew it was coming, but it still happened sooner than it was supposed to and it kind of threw us.
And that I think that's a pretty decent metaphor for how things have transpired in real life. I used to have these recurring nightmares like once a month or so, sometimes more often, about Mike killing himself. It was my greatest fear for so long that it was always there in my subconscious, whether he and I were currently speaking or not. I couldn't even tell you how many times I dreamed those dreams, how many horrible situations I encountered while sleeping, or how many ways my brother ended his life in my nightmares. So when it actually happened, I wasn't very shocked. Just...sad.
But I wanted to mention the dream because it really did make me feel better. Don't get me wrong, I hope I get the chance to see my brother again in future dreams, but I felt this one was the one I was really waiting for. I 100% believe it was Mike's soul...spirit....memory...friendly ghost... (whatever you want to call it) showing me that he's okay with where he's at now, that he's at peace with the decision he made, and that he wants us to be okay with it too.
I came across a quote about grief recently. It's pretty long, and maybe one day I'll go hunt it down and post it, but it mentioned something about how suicide survivors (I hate that term, for some reason by the way) can often have a hard time forgiving their loved one for ending their life. And, of course, everyone deals with this kind of stuff differently but I never, for one second felt angry at Mike or that I needed to forgive him for what he did. Yes, I'm so sorry he had to suffer as much as he did and I will miss him wretchedly for the rest of my life, but I'm "okay" with what he did, if that makes sense. The dream I had last night just reinforces that. As long as Mike is at peace (and I think he is) then we'll do our best to be at peace without him.
So in case anyone's wondering, I forgave my brother pretty much the moment I heard that he was dead. If anything, I hope that wherever he is, he can forgive me for not being able to -- or, let's be honest, not really trying -- to help him.
In other news, everyone here is doing all right. I had such a fun time in Minnesota with my aunts and uncles and cousins. I got a wicked sunburn at the lake, though. Seriously. I came home and Sarah says, "You look good with some color on you!"
And I just look at myself like... "That color is bright red. There's no way that's a good look on anyone."
As for me, I flip back and forth between wanting to submerge myself in pictures and memories versus wanting to avoid thinking about Mike entirely. It just depends on the day. Or the hour, really.
The night before I went to Minnesota, I was taking the dogs outside. We had some weird thunderstorms moving through the area during sunset and it made the sky look really strange. And I remember thinking, "Hmm, I've never really seen anything like this." Which got me thinking, "Hmm. Mike will never see anything like this." Which ended up with me going to hug my Dad goodnight and him saying, "Are you okay?" and me starting to sob, wailing incoherently about all the things Michael will never get to do.
Oh well. I never said we were doing perfect.
I did get the first batch of thank you cards out today. Two hours of addressing and envelope stuffing and I'm not even halfway done. It reminds me of all those terrible thank you cards we each at to write after our Bar and Bat Mitzvahs. Pretty sure Mike is having himself a good chuckle over that. Dick.
I'll be back on the blog soon. It's way too therapeutic for me to abandon for long. Next time I'll make sure to include some more funny Mike stories. I have a million of them.
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