So, I’m pretty involved in the lives of our betters. And by betters, I mean celebrities. By that, I don’t mean that I watch TMZ obsessively or read People like it’s the bible. I mean that I react to big celebrity happenings as if they were happening to members of my own family. True story, I may or may not have been blinking back tears when I found out the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge were expecting. More on that later. Anyway, there are some celebrities that I have come to love seeing on my TV or computer screen, and some that I abhor. So now, for your reading pleasure a discussion (not a list! It’s NOT a list!) of the stars that I love and the stars that can go fuck themselves.
Kim Kardashian: I don’t know if my vocabulary is sufficient to
describe the depths of my disdain for this woman. I can’t stand her entire family, for that
matter. They’re like a lumpy, congealed
blob of self-tanner, botox and semen.
Seriously, I feel like if I touched this her, I would want to wash my
hands immediately afterward. I suppose
part of my hatred toward her should really be directed at our society, instead,
because they keep watching her show and buying her shit, thereby perpetuating
her presence on our TVs and in our lives, but I’ve seen enough of Keeping Up
with the Kardashians to know that, no, I really do NOT like Kim Kardashian. I can’t stand the way she talks, the way she
talks about being a good role model for her sisters (like that ship hasn’t
already sailed), how she yells at her mom and stepdad, acts like her life is so
hard and how she’s such a victim. (Aww,
poor Kim. You made a sex tape with your
gross ex-husband. I feel bad for
you.) Ugh. Just…go fuck yourself, you sad, sad, crusty
shell of a woman.
Best cry face EVAH!!!
Kate Middleton: If I could be any other person on the earth, I would
be Kate Middleton. She is flawless. Like, literally, flawless. If you put her under a microscope (which,
essentially, is the story of her life), you still wouldn’t find anything short
of fabulous. She is a shining beacon of
class and dignity and beauty. Nothing,
be it the escapades of her trashy brother, leaked photos of her tots, or severe
morning sickness that required hospitalization, can tarnish that unflappable
veneer. I mean, the palace may have even
had a nurse killed to protect the public from being subjected to even a mental
image of Kate Middleton vomiting or wearing pajamas. There is no one out there as flawless as
Kate. She can do no wrong. I am almost delirious with excitement for the
birth of her child. I suppose I should
change the blog header… Kate, you are a
perfect specimen of human and I love you.
Perez Hilton: I used to read his celeb gossip website
religiously…until I realized I was checking it every half hour and that I
needed to STAHP. But even though I don’t
read the site anymore, this guy refuses to go away. He’s like a herpe on the lip of society. I can’t stand the way he shame-shames
everyone for their hateful opinions about gay marriage and other hot-button
issues, but uses his blog to dole out copious amounts of hate for Octomom or
Avril Lavigne or Ke$ha or whoever else he doesn’t think is totally
amazeballs. And I also couldn’t stand
how he used to constantly try and “out” Zachary Quinto or Anderson Cooper. That’s none of your business, Perez. Quit trying to shame people out of the
closet. They’ll come out when they want
to. You, sir, are a bully and an icky, icky
person. And you can go fuck yourself.
Simon Pegg: I don’t think Simon
Pegg has ever done anything that I don’t think is awesome and adorable. And that includes his hilarious TV show: Spaced, his portrayal of Montgomery Scott in Star Trek, his films with Nick
Frost, his adorable Instagrams of his dog and anything else that he has put out
into the world. To the geek culture,
Simon Pegg is like a prophet, a figure of immense wisdom and wonder. And I am using his definition of the word “geek” which is outlined in his book and
displayed below. So, you can
understand why people like me enjoy his work and think he’s just freakin
awesome, in general. Based on his
tweets, I get the impression that he’s also a really lovely guy. Simon Pegg is awesome, not only in his body
of work but in his general existence. Love you.
Mark Wahlberg: I don’t know much about Mark Wahlberg. I’ve only seen like two of his movies (The
Happening and Ted) but I just get the impression that he takes himself WAY too
seriously. It truly bugs me that I have
no evidence to support these claims, but I just really really think this guy is
kind of a wiener jacket. Perhaps one
day, I will understand Marky Mark. But
that day is not today. So he can go fuck
himself.
Miley Cyrus: I’m sure Miley’s not a bad person, but I feel like she
really needs to go away for a while and give us all a breather. Talk about overstaying her welcome.
I didn’t care about her when she was on Hannah Montana, I didn’t care when those
first skanky photos leaked, I cared a little when she started saying shit about
Nick Jonas (back off my boys!), I didn’t care when she got caught bong-handed,
when she pole-danced, when she got engaged, when she started getting tattoos
and dressing all Courtney Love, when she shaved her head—I just. Do not.
Care. Sometimes, I just want to
shake her and yell at her to go hide away for a while and try to be a normal
person, but the rest of the time, I just want to tell her to go fuck herself.
Put them away, Miley. No one wants to see that.
Taylor Swift: This one’s tough for me because I love love all of Taylor Swift’s music. Like, I have 2 of her CDs in my car’s 6 disc
changer, right now. That’s one third of
the music I have in my car. I LOVE
her. But sometimes I can’t freakin stand
her. Whether it’s her “oh my god, you
really like me?” face she does every.
time. she wins something, or the pure, virginal sweetheart she portrays
herself to be everytime she dons a princessy dress or sings about wanting to
get married and have babies, or the fact that she still puts on that pure,
virginal sweetheart act even though she goes through like a boyfriend a
week. Not to mention, about 90% of her
songs are about boys that have done her wrong and their awful, skanky
girlfriends. Taylor, you need to look
inside yourself and realize that the problem is not them, it’s you.
I love you, but go fuck yourself.
See? She makes that face all the time.
Thanks for reading and I’ll see you real soon. In the meantime, don’t forget to help control
the pet population. Support pro-choice
dog clinics!
Beck
